Ja sam Ivanka Samardžić i imam 67 godina. Udana sam, majka četvero djece i baka devetero unučića. Prije dvije godine, nastariji sin Marko se preselio Gospodinu. Kad sam rodila četvrto dijete, prestala sam raditi iako sam imala predivan posao. U srcu sam osjetila da je majčinstvo moj prioritet i nikad nisam požalila zbog te odluke niti se preispitivala. Božja Providnost je vodila brigu o svim našim potrebama.
Prije 22 godine, moj suprug je na radiju slušao emisiju o Kursilju. Oduševio se iskrenim svjedočanstvima i rekao mi: „Ovo je, ženo, baš za tebe!“ te me „poslao“ na Kursiljo. Muž i ja smo već često bili na nekim duhovnim obnovama na kojima je bilo dobro, ali bez ikakve senzacije pa nisam ništa osobito očekivala. Na tečaj sam „ponijela“ nešto lošiju komunikaciju u braku i svoje uvjerenje da se ja silno trudim: čitam, učim, vježbam. Čak sam i Bibliju svakodnevno čitala, ali kao mudrosnu knjigu. Čim sam ušla u dvoranu u kojoj se održavao tečaj, osjetila sam posebnu milost. Kao da sam bila uronjena u more ljubavi koja ne postavlja uvjete. Ubrzo sam saznala da se kroz sva četiri dana tečaja, 24 sata dnevno, moli za plodove tečaja. To me oduševilo i odmah sam se prijavila da ću i sama moliti, a jedno vrijeme sam čak preuzela i parcijalnu organizaciju molitvenog sata. Ali molitveni sat nije bio najveće iznenađenje. Velečasni Andrija je na Misi čitao Ivanovo Evanđelje („Svadba u Kani“) gdje piše: „Nato će njegova mati poslužiteljima: Što god vam rekne, učinite!“ Doživjela sam da je ova Riječ upućena meni osobno – „Što god ti Bog kaže, Ivanka, učini!“
Kad sam se vratila doma, otišla sam na Misu i rekla župniku da sam bila na tečaju. On mi je samo dao knjigu da čitam pod Misom. Zbog velikog straha da ne pogriješim, pročitala sam čitanje deset puta. I što sam više čitala, to sam dublje ponirala u tajne Božje Riječi. Danas se svako jutro budim u 05:30, meditiram dnevno Evanđelje i svoje meditacije dijelim s ostalim suradnicima Kursilja, a to čine i drugi suradnici. Sve se to odrazilo i na moj brak, odgoj djece i kvalitetu života. Počela sam uviđati da sam bila više majka nego supruga i to je muža frustriralo. Shvatila sam da sam pomalo navezana na djecu, da imam brojna očekivanja od muža, da sam često opraštala umom a srce je pamtilo povrede, da sam prema svojim pogreškama bila blaža nego prema muževim… I kako sam se ja počela mijenjati, mijenjao se i muž, atmosfera u kući, raspoloženje, stavovi, odluke, emocije. Svaki dan sam išla na Misu, otvarala srce, a ne samo oči. Prilazila sam osobama iz župe, upoznavali smo se, molili i hrabrili jedni druge, pomagali duhovno i materijalno. Osjećala sam kako mi župna zajednica postaje proširena obitelj.
Ubrzo nakon tečaja sam se uključila i kao suradnik Kursilja na tečajevima za odrasle, branitelje i prosvjetne djelatnike. Organizirala sam i vodila mjesečne Ultreje u župi, sama sam i svjedočila na nekima. Poseban mi je milosni dar bio poticaj vlč. Andrije da se meditiraju blaženstva kako bi ušli u dublji odnos s Gospodinom. Svaki dan zahvaljujem Gospodinu jer me bodrio i nalazio vrijeme (najčešće u noćnim satima, kad svi spavaju) kako bih razmatrala tekstove koje je Andrija marljivo pripremao i kako bih odgovarala na pitanja koja su pomogla spoznati Božju ljubav i veličinu svoje bijede bez Njega!
Zašto to sve nabrajam? Jer sam po naravi vrlo zatvorena osoba. Nisam niti znala koliko je Gospodin velikodušan, koliko rasipno dijeli darove djeci svojoj. Sad je to sve počelo izlaziti van i bilo izvor radosti meni, mojoj obitelji i drugima. Bog je mijenjao živote. Unosio svjetlo svoje Ljubavi po meditaciji Njegove Riječi, snagu po sakramentalnom životu i jačao vjeru po razmjeni iskustava. Sve se manje snage rasipalo na nepotrebno dokazivanje, sve je manje bilo važno što drugi misle. Sve je bilo usmjereno na pravi, istinski život s Bogom, a onda i s braćom i sestrama. Da nam svima bude bolje! Nema više praznih svjetovnih razgovora. Nađemo se na „duhovnoj kavi“, otvaramo dušu jedni drugima, molimo jedni za druge i bodrimo jedni druge. Sve je više sklada u bračnom životu, više razumijevanja u obitelji i svakom vidu zajedništva, više strpljivosti, mira, povjerenja i ljubavi. Uz Isusa sve izgleda drugačije. Znam tko sam i čija sam, to je temelj moga bića. A kad je temelj čvrst, kuća se neće srušiti. Navaljivale su razne kušnje i nevolje: nezaposlenost muža, bolest, lutanja jednog djeteta, nerazumijevanje drugih i najveća kušnja – smrt najstarijeg sina u 38. godini života, troje unučića bez tjelesnog oca. Ali kušnje me nisu polomile. Tamo gdje sam bila najslabija, najviše sam čeznula za Bogom i Njegovom blizinom i on je čuo i uslišio moje vapaje. To je najveći plod Kursilja! Duboka bliskost s Bogom koja daje sve gledati Njegovim očima, očima Duha Svetoga koji se krštenjem nastanio u meni i koji iz dana u dan posvećuje moje misli, riječi i blagoslivlja učinjena djela. Da je Marko umro u neko drugo vrijeme, dok nije bilo te bliskosti s Bogom, možda bih završila na psihijatriji. Zahvaljujem dragom Bogu za mir i povjerenje u Njegove odluke. Od Boga dolazi samo dobro. Priznajem svoje granice i Njegovu bezgraničnost koja sve zna, sve vidi i sve ljubi. To je najveće blago koje sam kroz život stekla i dijelim ga s drugima. Nisu uvijek potrebne riječi, naš život često govori i bez riječi. Sve je to zreli plod apostolata u Kursilju! A počelo je prije 22 godine. Muž me „poslao“ dok sam ja mislila kako se ja trudim, a on nedovoljno mari. Gospodin baš zna iznenaditi, neka samo nastavi.
My name is Ivanka Samardžić and I am 67 years old. I am married, mother of four children and grandmother of nine grandchildren. Two years ago, my eldest son Marko moved to Heaven. When I gave birth to my fourth child, I stopped working even though I had a wonderful job. In my heart, I felt motherhood was my priority and I have never regretted that decision or questioned myself. God’s Providence took care of all our needs.
22 years ago, my husband listened to a show on radio where they talked about Cursillo. He was delighted with the sincere testimonies and told me: “This is just for you!” and “sent” me to Cursillo. My husband and I have already been to some spiritual retreats that were good, but without any sensations so I didn’t expect anything in particular. I went to Cursillo knowing about bad communication in my marriage and believing that I work hard: I read, I study, I pray. I read the Bible daily, but only as a book of wisdom. As soon as I entered the hall where Cursillo was being held, I felt a special grace. It was as if I was immersed in the sea of unconditional love. I soon learned that during all four days of Cursillo, 24 hours a day, people pray for the fruits of it. It I was thrilled and immediately signed up to join this prayer, and for a while I even took over partial organization of the prayer hours. But the prayer hour was not the biggest surprise. Reverend Andrija read the Gospel of John (“The Wedding in Cana”) at Mass, where it is written: “His mother said to the servants: Do whatever he tells you.” I felt that this Word was addressed to me personally – “Whatever God tells you to do, Ivanka, do it!”
When I got home, I went to Mass and told the parish priest that I was at Cursillo. He just gave me the book to read during Mass. Out of great fear of making a mistake, I read the reading ten times. And the more I read, the deeper I delved into the mysteries of God’s Word. Today, every morning I wake up at 5:30, meditate on the daily Gospel and share my meditations with other leaders in Cursillo. All this reflected on my marriage, raising children and quality of life. I began to realize that I was more of a mother than a wife and that this frustrated my husband. I realized that I was a bit over attached to my children, that I had many expectations from my husband, that I was often forgiving with my mind but my heart remembered the injuries, that I was milder to my own mistakes than to my husband’s … And as I started to change, so did my husband, the atmosphere in the house, mood, attitudes, decisions, emotions. I went to Holy Mass every day, opened my heart, not just my eyes. I approached people from the parish, we met, prayed and encouraged each other, helped each other spiritually and materially. I felt like my parish community was becoming an extended family.
Shortly after my first Cursillo, I joined as an associate in Cursillo for adults, veterans and educators. I organized and guided monthly Ultreya in my parish, I also gave my testimony at some of them. A special gift of grace was the encouragement of father Andrija to meditate the blessings from the Gospel of Matthew in order to maintain a deeper relationship with the Lord. Every day I thank the Lord for encouraging me and giving me time (usually at night, when everyone is asleep) to reflect upon the texts that father Andrija diligently prepared and to answer questions that helped to know the love of God and the greatness of my own misery without Him!
Why am I listing all this? Because, by nature I am a very closed person. I didn’t even know how generous God is, how lavishly he distributes gifts to his children. Now it has all started to come out and is a source of joy to me, my family and others. God changed our lives. He brings the light of His love through meditation of His Word, strength by sacramental life and strengthening faith by exchanging experiences. Less and less power was wasted on unnecessary proof, the opinion of others was less and less important. Everything was focused on real, true living with God and then also with brothers and sisters. To make us all better! No more empty worldly conversations. We meet at the “spiritual coffee”, we open our souls to each other, pray for each other and encourage each other. There is more and more harmony in our married life, more understanding in the family and every kind of togetherness, more patience, peace, trust and love. With Jesus, everything looks different. I know who I am and whose I am, it is the foundation of my being. And when the foundation is solid, the house will not collapse. There were various temptations and troubles: husband’s unemployment, illness, wandering of one child, misunderstanding of others and the greatest temptation – the death of the eldest son at the age of 38, my three grandchildren without a physical father. But temptations did not break me. Where I was weakest, I longed most for God and His closeness and he heard my cries. That is the greatest fruit of Cursillo! Deep intimacy with God which makes everything be seen through His eyes, through the eyes of the Holy Spirit who dwelt in me through baptism and who day by day consecrates my thoughts, words, and blesses the deeds done. If Marko had died in some other time, while there wasn’t that closeness to God, I might have ended up in a psychiatric institution. I thank dear God for peace and my trust in His decisions. Only good comes from God. I acknowledge my limits and His infinity that knows everything, sees everything and loves everything. That’s the biggest treasure I have acquired through life and shared it with others. Words are not always needed; our lives often speak without words. All this is the ripe fruit of the apostolate in Cursillo! And it started 22 years ago. My husband “sent” me while I thought I was trying, and how he didn’t care enough. God knows how to surprise, let Him just continue.
